January 28 2007 Update

(you can see any picture enlarged by clicking on it once or twice) 

GAS! GAS! GAS!

One of the rites of passage for any soldier is how to properly use a gas mask. Last week, we spent a half day learning about all the ways our enemies can

attempt to kill us using Nuclear, Biological, or Chemical (“NBC”) agents. Almost anywhere we go in the field, we have our gas masks at our side, on our left hip. We were trained so that anytime someone yells “GAS GAS GAS”, we have 9 seconds to get the mask out of our case, get it on our face, tighten it, clear it, and breath normally (or breath in short, anxiety filled puffs, if this was the real thing, of course). The theory is, if you don’t do it in 9 seconds, you could be dead.

Of course, no good training is complete until you can have hands on experience. More properly than “hands on” in this case would be “faces in” experience. After our ½ day of training, we were marched over to a room filled with tear gas. In groups of about 15, we entered the chamber with our masks on. On command, we were told to take our masks off and sound off to an instructor with our name, rank, and serial number. We then put our masks back on, cleared them, and yes, attempted to breath normally.

As soon as I took my mask off and went to speak, my voice sounded like one of the lollipop kids from the Wizard of Oz. It amazed me how fast tear gas works – its pretty much immediate. But once I got the mask back on, in a few breathes, it actually worked as advertised. We then stood in the chamber for about 5 mins. Before we were allowed to leave, we had to take the mask off a final time, open our eyes, and breath. I think this was to reinforce the lesson: “You WILL appreciate your NBC mask!” Message received. I actually did OK at this point (we all had snot pouring out our noses and tears coming out our eyes), but the guy next to me barfed as soon as we got about 5 feet from the chamber. I think he has had better days.

So let this be a lesson to you kids – the next time you find yourself out protesting Wal-Mart or some other cause celebre, and the police show up with tear gas, I recommend leaving quickly, unless you want to be wearing your breakfast. Or want to share it with your neighbor.

We Live For This, Sir!

Many of the parents reading this note have had kids go to summer camp and do ropes courses. I think a lot of these were inspired by the Army’s training, which used to be called the Obstacle Course, but now is called the Confidence Course. Some of the things we did were bread and butter ropes tasks: climb a tower, then shimmy down a declining horizontal rope; climb a tower and go down a zip line; climb a series of progressively higher walls as a team, etc. The one that I am sure most parents do NOT sign permission slips for is the 40 ft tower, comprised of squared off logs. I have a picture of it here.

 

(this second one we had to climb from the outside:)

Our task was to climb up the tower, then climb back down the other side. I can tell you more than a few of us had sweaty palms looking at this thing. Even the instructor / demonstrator was visibly shaking as he climbed it. But as far as I know, all 70ish of us did it, all the way. This includes our shortest student – a “5 foot and ¾ inch” (her words) female mother who could barely reach some of the logs. I was pretty impressed.

You are going to do WHAT with WHAT, Sergeant?Sergeants take perverse pleasure in watching trainees, especially officers, squirm a bit at the unknown. So, Thursday of last week was a good day for them, as it was Day and Night Infiltration Day (not a Hallmark holiday yet, but there is still time for them to add it to our calendars). Day infiltration was teaching us how to “high crawl” (move on our bellies and elbows in the dirt), “low crawl” (move on our faces in the dirt), and shoot and scoot (maneuver in a combat zone). Night Infiltration is doing various forms of crawl, on our backs and our stomachs, with live machine gun fire, flares, and explosions going off around us. This may sound sick and wrong, but I actually enjoyed it. As I wiggled under the barbed wire on my back, I saw a very clear and starry night – punctuated by flares, explosions, and tracer rounds. I can tell you there is nothing like seeing fireworks through barbed wire. If you have the chance, I recommend it, perhaps with some brie cheese and a fine pinot noir. Ladies, no heels.
 

Sitting ‘round the Campfire

One night last week, while we were in bivouac in the woods, some of our chaplain instructors came to visit us. There were four of them. The format was for each chaplain to sit with each platoon – in the dark or with a small light – for 30 mins while they answered our questions about life as a chaplain. We went through the first one or two chaplains. Shortly after the third one sat down, we got word that there was a mock attack taking place around us, and that we should not be surprised if we saw soldiers walking through our position. Sure enough, he is talking away about ministry, when we start hearing small arms fire getting closer (not live ammo), then some explosions going off all around us in the darkness (these WERE real explosions, but controlled… we assumed). We did our best to pretend nothing was happening. Once again, it was sorta like summer camp without the parental consent (“Please sign here if you are OK with Johnny coming under fire, then being bound, blindfolded and taken as a POW while at Camp SummerFun.”)

Stuff You Can’t Make Up

There is a student in our class whose last name is “Chaplain”, so of course he is “Chaplain Chaplain.” When he gets promoted, he will be Captain Chaplain Chaplain. You can’t make that up.

During one of our early lectures, covering safety, we were told it was our responsibility to “Ensure the Army is a Safe Place to Work and Live.” Ummm, you may want to tell the bad guys that cause they seem to have not gotten the memo.

We have to read all kinds of manuals and regulations. One is referred to as “TRADOC Pamphlet 600-4.” It is 1,041 pages long, plus and Appendix. Only the army could call this a “pamphlet.”

Top 10 reasons to get an Army Haircut

10) No swimming cap required in pool

9) Cut down on shampoo bill

No comb required, ever

7) Never have a bad hair day

6) Haircuts are quick, cheap, and fun!

5) No hair in your eyes on a windy day

4) No bed head

3) Fleas are easily spotted an eliminated

2) You can glue Post It notes directly to your head

1) Chicks dig it*

* OK, so I am assuming this is true… I don’t have any evidence of this YET.

A final comment

A few times during my training, I have wondered what I would be doing at that moment if I was at my day job at IBM. During one such pause, I could hear the sound of artillery and small arms fire in the distance. The thought hit me: How cool is it that I get PAID to come to work where people make things go “BOOM”? It is almost a dream sometimes.

For the next few weeks, we’ll be mostly indoors (after 5:30 AM PT, of course) getting slammed by PowerPoint, so there may not be too much exciting to write about, but I will endeavor to keep everyone posted if there are interesting stories to tell.