Bob Goes to Chaplain School

(you can see any picture enlarged by clicking on it once or twice) 

GAS! GAS! GAS!

One of the rites of passage for any soldier is how to properly use a gas mask. Last week, we spent a half day learning about all the ways our enemies can

attempt to kill us using Nuclear, Biological, or Chemical (”NBC”) agents. Almost anywhere we go in the field, we have our gas masks at our side, on our left hip. We were trained so that anytime someone yells “GAS GAS GAS”, we have 9 seconds to get the mask out of our case, get it on our face, tighten it, clear it, and breath normally (or breath in short, anxiety filled puffs, if this was the real thing, of course). The theory is, if you don’t do it in 9 seconds, you could be dead.

Of course, no good training is complete until you can have hands on experience. More properly than “hands on” in this case would be “faces in” experience. After our ½ day of training, we were marched over to a room filled with tear gas. In groups of about 15, we entered the chamber with our masks on. On command, we were told to take our masks off and sound off to an instructor with our name, rank, and serial number. We then put our masks back on, cleared them, and yes, attempted to breath normally.

As soon as I took my mask off and went to speak, my voice sounded like one of the lollipop kids from the Wizard of Oz. It amazed me how fast tear gas works - its pretty much immediate. But once I got the mask back on, in a few breathes, it actually worked as advertised. We then stood in the chamber for about 5 mins. Before we were allowed to leave, we had to take the mask off a final time, open our eyes, and breath. I think this was to reinforce the lesson: “You WILL appreciate your NBC mask!” Message received. I actually did OK at this point (we all had snot pouring out our noses and tears coming out our eyes), but the guy next to me barfed as soon as we got about 5 feet from the chamber. I think he has had better days.

So let this be a lesson to you kids - the next time you find yourself out protesting Wal-Mart or some other cause celebre, and the police show up with tear gas, I recommend leaving quickly, unless you want to be wearing your breakfast. Or want to share it with your neighbor.

We Live For This, Sir!

Many of the parents reading this note have had kids go to summer camp and do ropes courses. I think a lot of these were inspired by the Army’s training, which used to be called the Obstacle Course, but now is called the Confidence Course. Some of the things we did were bread and butter ropes tasks: climb a tower, then shimmy down a declining horizontal rope; climb a tower and go down a zip line; climb a series of progressively higher walls as a team, etc. The one that I am sure most parents do NOT sign permission slips for is the 40 ft tower, comprised of squared off logs. I have a picture of it here.

 

(this second one we had to climb from the outside

Our task was to climb up the tower, then climb back down the other side. I can tell you more than a few of us had sweaty palms looking at this thing. Even the instructor / demonstrator was visibly shaking as he climbed it. But as far as I know, all 70ish of us did it, all the way. This includes our shortest student - a “5 foot and ¾ inch” (her words) female mother who could barely reach some of the logs. I was pretty impressed.

You are going to do WHAT with WHAT, Sergeant?Sergeants take perverse pleasure in watching trainees, especially officers, squirm a bit at the unknown. So, Thursday of last week was a good day for them, as it was Day and Night Infiltration Day (not a Hallmark holiday yet, but there is still time for them to add it to our calendars). Day infiltration was teaching us how to “high crawl” (move on our bellies and elbows in the dirt), “low crawl” (move on our faces in the dirt), and shoot and scoot (maneuver in a combat zone). Night Infiltration is doing various forms of crawl, on our backs and our stomachs, with live machine gun fire, flares, and explosions going off around us. This may sound sick and wrong, but I actually enjoyed it. As I wiggled under the barbed wire on my back, I saw a very clear and starry night - punctuated by flares, explosions, and tracer rounds. I can tell you there is nothing like seeing fireworks through barbed wire. If you have the chance, I recommend it, perhaps with some brie cheese and a fine pinot noir. Ladies, no heels.
 

Sitting ‘round the Campfire

One night last week, while we were in bivouac in the woods, some of our chaplain instructors came to visit us. There were four of them. The format was for each chaplain to sit with each platoon - in the dark or with a small light - for 30 mins while they answered our questions about life as a chaplain. We went through the first one or two chaplains. Shortly after the third one sat down, we got word that there was a mock attack taking place around us, and that we should not be surprised if we saw soldiers walking through our position. Sure enough, he is talking away about ministry, when we start hearing small arms fire getting closer (not live ammo), then some explosions going off all around us in the darkness (these WERE real explosions, but controlled… we assumed). We did our best to pretend nothing was happening. Once again, it was sorta like summer camp without the parental consent (”Please sign here if you are OK with Johnny coming under fire, then being bound, blindfolded and taken as a POW while at Camp SummerFun.”)

Stuff You Can’t Make Up

There is a student in our class whose last name is “Chaplain”, so of course he is “Chaplain Chaplain.” When he gets promoted, he will be Captain Chaplain Chaplain. You can’t make that up.

During one of our early lectures, covering safety, we were told it was our responsibility to “Ensure the Army is a Safe Place to Work and Live.” Ummm, you may want to tell the bad guys that cause they seem to have not gotten the memo.

We have to read all kinds of manuals and regulations. One is referred to as “TRADOC Pamphlet 600-4.” It is 1,041 pages long, plus and Appendix. Only the army could call this a “pamphlet.”

Top 10 reasons to get an Army Haircut

10) No swimming cap required in pool

9) Cut down on shampoo bill No comb required, ever

7) Never have a bad hair day

6) Haircuts are quick, cheap, and fun!

5) No hair in your eyes on a windy day

4) No bed head

3) Fleas are easily spotted an eliminated

2) You can glue Post It notes directly to your head

1) Chicks dig it*

* OK, so I am assuming this is true… I don’t have any evidence of this YET.

A final comment

A few times during my training, I have wondered what I would be doing at that moment if I was at my day job at IBM. During one such pause, I could hear the sound of artillery and small arms fire in the distance. The thought hit me: How cool is it that I get PAID to come to work where people make things go “BOOM”? It is almost a dream sometimes.

For the next few weeks, we’ll be mostly indoors (after 5:30 AM PT, of course) getting slammed by PowerPoint, so there may not be too much exciting to write about, but I will endeavor to keep everyone posted if there are interesting stories to tell.

 

Hi All - I wanted to give you a quick recap of my first week at Chaplain Officer Basic Training (CHOBC). Overall, its been a good week, filled with many new experiences. Instead of giving you a day by day account, I thought it would be best to provide you all with some highlights. btw, after this note, it is my plan to semi regularly update a blog (site TBD). For security reasons I need to get the blog cleared by one of the school chaplains before it goes live - standby for that.

Bzzzzzzz….

I think it has to be a life long memorable experience for anyone getting their first military haircut. Enlisted troops sit down in a chair and get shaved as part of their in processing. Officers have the privilege of taking themselves over to the barber to meet their destiny. So, during lunch Tuesday, I visited one of the Post barber shops with one of my classmates, Bernie.

Bernie went first, and decided to get his heat shaved down all the way. As I awaited my turn, a drill sergeant came in. He gave us a look that indicated some bewilderment as to who we were (we were in civilian clothes that day) and why we were there, but he seem pleased to see lots of hair coming off Bernie’s head. As his locks were dropping, Bernie caught one in his lap and looked at it curiously, almost scientifically, and somewhat mournfully. I think he realized at that moment that his days of having hair, long or short, were gone for the foreseeable future.

When it was my turn, I observed that, unlike most barber shops, where the chair faces the mirror, here, the chair face away from the mirror. I honestly think it is to lower the psychological impact of what is taking place. As I felt my hair come off in clumps, I made the decision to not look and see what was happening. After the “stylist” was finished, she handed me a mirror to inspect her work - as if there could be something wrong with the way she cut my hair to 1/8″. I looked as briefly as possible, then got up to pay. The bargain basement fee for this aprox 7 mins and 30 second haircut was $7.30. There is a comforting symmetry there somehow. See the attachment for a good look at a new man. :-)  I know for some of the guys getting this email, this is no big deal - y’all have had this look for some time.  For me - whew - its a brave new (and chillier!) world. 

PT

Most days this past week, we had to get up around 4:00 or 4:30 AM to assemble. The earliest day was Thursday, when we were up around 3:20 AM for our diagnostic physical training (PT) test. That’s where we do push ups, sit ups, and run around a track to see how far we need to progress to pass the Army standards. I know some of you don’t like PT. Imagine trying to do these exercises at 4:30 AM, for a test. I did fine, but some soldiers really struggled. For their efforts, they have received a special invitation to do bonus evening PT sessions.

The Quiz

Friday, we were told to be in formation by 4:45 for PT. When we got there, surprise! No PT, but instead, we had been randomly selected that day for a unit urinalysis drug test, more fondly known as the Whiz Quiz. Large containers of water were brought in. We were told we were not going anywhere until we drank enough to produce a sufficient sample. There is no way to cram for this test except to drink lots of water. When you are ready, a military authority has to observe you from start to finish.  Some newer soldiers had not done this before, so you can image how uncomfortable they felt. Most guys reading this note know the term “stage fright.” Multiply that x10. One soldier told me later he had to drink 12 canteens of water before he was able to “take his exam.” I’m guessing he did not drink much the rest of that day.

The Cadre

Some of you are wondering what we do here every day. In simplest terms, we are learning to be soldiers, and we are learning to be Army Chaplains. Our class is led by two groups, collectively called “the cadre.” First, there are three sergeants who are in charge of drilling us in the ways of a soldier. So far, lots of basic stuff like how to salute, stand at attention / parade rest / etc., how to march and maneuver, how to pack and march with a helmet, body armor, a full ruck sack, etc. We’ll be doing more interesting things later. These three sergeants have demonstrated a good balance of being tough, yet with an appropriate amount of fairness and understanding.

In addition to the sergeants, there are the three Officers who are Chaplains. Their mission is to train us in the role of being an Army Chaplain. This first week, they have not had a lot of airtime, but I think as the course progresses, we will be spending more and more time with them.

The Class

I’ll say more about my fellow chaplain classmates in a later blog, but in short, I am very impressed with them. They come from a wide range of denominational backgrounds. Ages are from mid 20’s to late 40’s. About ½ have prior military service, from nearly all branches of service. Some have seen combat in Iraq, and a few are special forces trained. And, very interestingly to me, all have experienced a distinct call to this ministry. I have taken a lot of comfort in hearing their stories, and knowing we are all here for basically the same reason: to minister God’s grace to soldiers. I heard one fellow chaplain’s story while we were standing in line (we did a lot of that in week one!). It took a significant family tragedy - he lost his wife and daughter in a car accident - for him to seek God and ultimately to hear His calling. This was a very sobering discussion, but reminded me again that God will use all manner of circumstances to awaken someone to His voice.

That’s all for now - more later. I will send a link to the blog once I get it squared away. I appreciate your emails, thoughts, and prayers!

Blessings,

Bob